In the two hundred thousand years since I'd last written a real entry, I made a huge decision.
I decided to move "back home."
Back to mama's house. Back to my room that looked like it was encapsulated in 1996 (although it was 2001/2002 when we initially moved into the house), complete with a tea set, stuffed animals, and baby pictures on my wall. Pictures of High School memories (group Valentine's day pictures, prom and homecoming pictures, pictures in class, pictures on field trips) plastered on my door. When I was much younger, I painted my room a powder blue, with one "accent" wall- which was blue, sponged over with an egg-shell white ("clouds").
Moving back home a little over a month ago was a decision I never expected to make. I expected that after several years out of the nest, I would move from my little town (with fat-ish pockets) to a nice little apartment in a big city with a few close friends. During the week, we would all work diligently, pursuing our different career dreams. During the daytime on the weekends, we would have lattes and listen/watch live acoustic guitarists play our favorite Coldplay songs while discussing the glass ceiling. At night, we would go have dry, red wine at that really cute, cozy little place that looks kind of like it used to belong to a blacksmith in the early 1900's. I would meet people from all walks of life and be inspired by everyone's variation of what it means to be alive.
But instead, I saw myself staring at those powder blue walls, trying to figure out how I was going to fit an apartment's worth of things back into the room that I first moved into when I was half my age.
Powder blue walls looked like defeat. I felt like the walls of my youth were mocking me. "Look at you, Paige," said the walls, "You're back here. These walls are as blue as your spirit." I stood at the doorway to my room and I felt enveloped by a flood of disappointment. How did this happen? What happened to my dream?
In late June, my mom came to visit me at my apartment in my little town. We sat on my red couch (RIP couch, i miss u 4real) and we talked about the dubious "future." I was working full-time at the state college I graduated from, and the bills were pouring in. Rent, hospital bills, doctor's bills (thanks Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria, nodes on my lungs and Costochondritis!), car bills, credit card bills. While I wasn't quite completely submerged underneath the pile of bills, the truth of the matter was- saving up to move was next to impossible. Based on the constant influx of bills, my paycheck would go in one hand and, by the time I turned around, it was out the other. My mom knew about all of my bills, bills, bills and she suggested that I move home.
I gave my mom this face-
wat?
In my mind, there was no way on God's green, lush, beautiful Earth that I would move back home. I immediately said, "No way," without a glimpse of hesitation. She started to state her case and I will admit to not listening at all (at first). I looked at her with love and I said, "Mom, I'm not moving home." I said that, smiled at her and consciously hoped that we would change subjects.
And then my mom said, "Just listen to what I'm saying. You don't have to make a decision now, but I just want you to think about it. It's an option."
I always knew that moving back home was an option. But you know what is also an option? Plucking out my eyelashes. Neither are options I truly considered.
My mom mentioned to me how I haven't been able to save up a dime solely based on the hospital/doctor's bills. She mentioned how, if you looked at my paychecks, they were divided almost perfectly into paying rent, paying bills, putting gas in my car and buying groceries. Where was the saved money? Nowhere. That's where. She asked me how exactly I was planning on saving to move to a big city...and I hesitated.
How was I planning on saving?
Savings plan-
***magic***
Although I wanted to be able to come up with something magical, I had to be honest with myself- there was no real savings plan.
I was sort of hoping that-
a. Monies would fall from the sky
b. I would win the lottery
z. My bills would vanish
c. I would get a raise at work
Living in my little town was perfect, if I wanted to live there forever.
But I didn't. And being there was starting to become depressing. So, I started to actually consider the inconsiderable.
The option turned into a consideration which hatched into a plan.
I applied for jobs back home and got a few interviews not too long after the application process.
I got a job offer, with the exact pay I wanted, the same day I interviewed. So, I accepted the position.
And I moved.
But, just to clarify, I moved in order to move. I moved so that I can be in my desired big city. I moved so that the money doesn't just drain through my fingers like a really good sink. I gave myself a deadline and a plan and I told my mom that I will be back out in the proverbial "real world" again, soon enough.
To be honest, about 5 out of 7 days a week, I feel like a failure (I try not to feel like a failure on the weekends). But I have to remind myself that I am in a transitory state. This is not forever. As long as I don't become complacent, I don't have to be here for a long time.
belee dat.
So, I'm *trying* to embrace being home. I enjoy my mom's company and, since she was by herself for a couple of years after my little brother left for college, I know she enjoys mine. Like I said, I oftentimes feel like a failure, but I'm taking things in stride. I would be lying to you if I said that moving back home was easy, but it is where I am and where, I believe, is best for me right now.
Actually, since I like making lists, I'm going to make a list to close this thing out.
What to expect when moving back home (to your parent's house):
1. Expect to lose some of your independence.
"Where are you going?"
"Who are you going with?"
"When should I expect you back?"
"Who is that?"
(I'm not sure if that is common for all cultures, but my family is Jamaican, so...)
2. Expect to have some pointless arguments about finances, friends and chores.
"You got home 10 minutes before me, I thought the dishes would be washed!"
Sigh.
3. Expect for people who haven't seen you since you were 18 to treat you like you're still 18 (or younger).
"There goes the college girl!"
"Oh, you work there? Nice! You've got your first big girl job!" (Let's ignore the fact that I've had a full-time, "big girl job" for the past 5 years)
"Are you in your first or second year of college?" (I'd be in year seven right now, but okay)
"Look at you, looking so 'mature.'" *winks* (Thank you so much)
"Is that wine you're drinking? Oh, wait, you're probably 21 now...right?" (I mean, I turned 21 a few years ago, but I'll just nod)
basically
4. Expect to not really want to have anyone over your house.
This one is interesting, because my mom is truly an absolutely wonderful person. She has a phenomenal personality and she's pretty funny. I just don't want anyone to come over. I am so used to having my apartment as my "space," and having people over would be very "chill." They could come by whenever, they could leave whenever (or just decide to stay over) they could kick off their shoes and get whatever from my fridge. I know my mom would be fine with my friends coming by, I just don't want to get that "I'm inconveniencing my mom" or "My mom definitely wants to be sleeping right now" feeling.
5. Expect for your parents to make plans for you.
"We're going to visit ________ on Friday."
"I know you needed your eyes checked, so you have an appointment on Thursday at 5:30."
"Saturday night we're going to meet up with ___________ for __________"
(Luckily, my mom has begun accepting that I might say, "Sorry, I've already made plans" or "I don't really know if I want to go." But I will try to go to some of the things she's planned, out of respect for her, if she's really expecting me to be there)
6. Expect for people (aka: your parent's friends) to give you unsolicited life advice.
"Well, you should look into getting married while you're still young." (Mmm, true, true. I'll just call up the marriage fairy and ask her to find me a man. Finding a husband is my #1 priority)
"Maybe you should look into working _______. They have so many opportunities to move up the ladder." (Great. But no, thank you. Because, like I'm sure I already told you, I don't want to stay here for long)
"Have you thought of going back to school? There are a lot of schools locally! You could look into a program there. What was your GPA? Do you mind if I look at your transcripts?" (Yes, this happened. Um, auf wiedersehen)
"I don't think that God is happy with your decision to move back here." (TRUE STORY)
Sigh....I'm taking it in stride.
It gets easier to answer (ignore) the questions/advice as time goes on. I think my defense mechanism is to just smile and nod. People like to hear themselves speak, anyway.
I know that this was incredibly (and unnecessarily) long, but I felt like I needed to transcribe a thorough update.
I'm in a new (old) place (MUCH has changed around here, by the way, so in many ways it does feel like a new place). I'm trying to go with the flow and appreciate the opportunity I have to save money and recoup in a safe environment. In approximately 10 months, I will NO LONGER BE HERE (please, Jesus).
I hope everything is good in your neck of the woods! I still have various things I still want to discuss (not about myself, don't worry), so stay tuned for more updates.
Au revoir.
xoxo.
