Moving on...

This upcoming Friday is (tentatively) my last day at this job that I hate has taught me so much about my patience.

#Blessed

In all honesty, though, as much as I have learned from my job, I am SO GRATEFUL to be moving on. It was a blessing in many, many ways and I AM so grateful for the good parts. I hadn't written much about my job, because... it was a roller coaster and I didn't even know what to write.Working there felt like getting a root canal everyday I was living in a shadow of my potential. It was very stressful and very toxic. I have learned a ton about myself, really. I have also met some very brilliant and special people, who I do love and hope to have in my life forever. And I worked for one person may have met someone that I hope to never have to work with/see again.

I do hope and pray that there are only good things from here; I do trust that God has my best interest in mind. Here's to a positive rest of 2015!

Me, rn.

Love and happiness to you, and you, and you.

Have faith. Never give up. Never shortchange yourself. You're worth more than many, many rupees.

xoxo.

depression & anxiety

Buongiorno.

   Today, I feel the need to talk about something that I've been dealing with currently and in spurts over the last several years: depression and anxiety.
   I don't really know how to talk about it because I barely understand it, but I feel like it is important for me to talk about it (or...get it out). So many of us struggle with depression and anxiety and it is so easy to feel alone. It's also easy to literally feel crazy, because you are kind of fighting with yourself. You're fighting these thoughts, overwhelming feelings, and even physical reactions. On top of everything, you feel like you have zero control; you have NO control over your "emotions" (as it's so easy to try to over-simplify the situation) and you cannot talk yourself out of the way you're feeling. It can be debilitating. But it is real, frustrating life. 

a n x i e t y

   Anxiety is brand new to me. I have had anxious moments in my life, but actual anxiety is new... and it is terrible. I knew that something was wrong about a month and a half/two months ago when I just could not eat. I wasn't even hungry. If I ate quarter of a salad, I would feel full immediately. Now, I will admit that I am not one who is incredibly in touch with their emotions. As a matter of fact, I think that nine times out of ten, I sort of act like I don't have any feelings- it's a defense mechanism. When I actually do tell people that something hurt me, I usually get blank stares or, more often than not, a response of, "No, it didn't." It is hard for me to be open about how I feel about things, it's hard for me to express my feelings. I'll be open about everything in my life, I just won't say how I feel about it. 
I remember, in middle school, my then best friend crying about a fight that we had. I sat there, apologetic and equally, internally hurt and I said to her, "You really hurt me, too." Her mother (who shouldn't have been there) turned to me and said, "You haven't even shed one tear and my daughter is sitting here crying. I don't even know if you care." 
   I don't express my feelings often because they barely make sense to me. Which is funny, because I'm an aspiring actress and I love investigating how my characters feel. I also think that I'm relatively good at being empathetic- I'll cry with you, I'll be upset with you,  I'll hurt with you. But I am working on figuring out how I feel and expressing it to those closest to me. Anyway, so of course when I couldn't eat, I just thought I had some sort of stomach bug. I didn't go to the doctor, though. I think that something deep within me knew that this wasn't a stomach bug. I told my mom, "It's strange, I just haven't been hungry lately," which was true. After about 2 weeks, I went on the scale at the house and noted that I had lost 4 pounds. That was then- the last time I checked more recently, I had lost 9 pounds (and I can't afford to lose weight. Touch the tip of your thumb to the tip of your middle finger. The circle in between there is the circumference of my arm...okay, I'm exaggerating slightly). But I knew that something was wrong before the 9 pound mark. I found myself sitting at work jittery- quickly bouncing my leg up and down. I found myself needing to do breathing exercises, jumping at my own shadow, and having legitimate panic attacks. I was doing actions that mimicked how I felt when I was panicked or fearful. I was on a plane from Atlanta back home and I just sat there and cried for almost the entire ride. The poor girl next to me probably had no idea what to do- she just put in her headphones and played Candycrush the entire time. Now, I may have said this before, but I usually cry about 2-3 times a year. I think I cried 2 times this past weekend (granted, one of the times was crying with a friend who had just lost a family member). One day when I parked at work, I realized that my hands were violently shaking. Another day I felt like I was claustrophobic and I had to go outside. As soon as I went outside, I just started crying and feeling like I couldn't breathe. I knew that this must be anxiety. If an award could be given to someone who gets intense bouts of dread and embarrassment about things they wish they had done differently in the past- I would probably be a top contender (jk, I'd win).  Anxiety is a constant state of panic and feeling (obviously) anxious. It feels like, at any moment, the world may come crashing down on you. It feels like someone at any time may be around any corner with a loaded gun. It feels like you're always forgetting to do something. I was so frustrated one day I was on the phone with my friend and I said, "I can't fix this! I want to- but I have no idea how to. This feels so irrational! I just want to snap out of it and tell myself, 'Stop freaking out.'" But it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. 
   Right now, I'm in a better place than I was a week ago. I'm not in a marvelous place. I didn't find some magical solution to my anxiety. But I have learned about it. I took the time to process what I'm going through- a course I usually avoid. I went to two classes this past weekend at a Christian conference- one was about grief and loss (which I'll talk about more when I talk about depression) and the other one had a licensed mental health counselor come and speak about the importance of mental and emotional health. We all know how important physical health is. If you seriously hurt your leg- you're not just going to continue to walk on it and just hope it gets better. You need to assess the leg- you may need to go to the doctor. But you need to address the damage- ignoring it won't make it hurt any less. It's the same way with mental and emotional health- we have to address the damage. So, here I am, addressing it head on. Talking about it, blogging about it. Going through the motions- but not letting the motions own me. I might have a breakdown, I might have a panic attack, but that's okay. I can allow myself to be frustrated about it. That's what I'm feeling! I'm allowed to feel! I haven't gone to a counselor about it yet, but I do want to. There is nothing wrong with counseling. We have to break that stigma. We have to fix ourselves from the inside. We have to love ourselves enough to get the help we may need. And sometimes, like in my case, you may have to cut out things in your life that may be contributing to the anxiety. People, work, coffee, alcohol. You have to figure out what helps, what doesn't help, and what hurts. You (and I) may have to make a hard decision to cut something out now that will benefit your mental health in the long run. Your mind and spirit will thank you for it.

d e p r e s s i o n 

   Depression is my sneaky friend. For me, it comes in waves and in different forms. A few years ago, I remember telling my mom that I don't feel anything. I felt like I forgot how to have any feelings- happy, sad, angry. Nothing stung me, nothing bothered me, nothing made me happy. I was so confused because it wasn't like I was sad, I felt like I lived in a world of grey (thankfully not the weird 'Fifty Shades' kind). It felt like monotonous living. Laughing because I knew that I should laugh in this context. Smiling because I knew it's what I should do with my face, but feeling absolutely nothing. That was a scary place to be, because I didn't know when I would get out of that nothingness. Would I have to fake my emotions forever? What is happening? I don't think I cried at all during this period. Later on, I figured out that I was depressed. 
   I also had the nap all the time depression. I would come home from work, eat, and go right to bed. Sleep-Work/School-Eat-Nap-Eat-Sleep. I knew I was depressed at this moment. I just didn't want to be awake; being awake was painful. I had also just lost someone very close to me and my family and I was trying to process that without having an overbearing sadness. I didn't want to burden my roommates, I also didn't want to pretend I was happy, so I figured I'd just sleep all the time. I also would go outside and talk on the phone with a counselor about how I was feeling. It was so confusing and overwhelming, though, that I stopped calling and I also stopped taking her calls. I also didn't really cry more than the initial shock of losing someone, and the crying that commenced with the family and at the funeral.
   I have had "irrational" crying depression (though there is no such thing as "rational" depression)- making rash decisions (like driving myself for an hour into the middle of nowhere at around midnight and...crying), laying alone on the tennis court...crying, crying in the shower, crying in the closet, hearing a song and crying. It's sort of the staple depression that we know and that we see on television. A constant state of fragile emotions. Crying everywhere. But that was a few years ago. Even though I've been crying a little bit more lately due to anxiety, I haven't topped that year of tears.
   Depression, like anxiety, is incredibly painful (or very numbing) and you can't logically solve the jigsaw puzzle that is your depressed mind. The hardest thing for me, was talking about it (surprise!). It's still hard for me. If I'm having a really rough day, I may mention it... if someone brings up their rough day first. But it's unlikely that I will divulge that information- which is sad, because it does hurt to be alone in your depression. Here is where I'll preach to me: Counseling is okay. Counseling is important. It's not that I'm a "woe is me" person; as a matter of fact, if you know me, I doubt that you will have much of an idea that I struggle with depression and anxiety, unless I told you. But this is a good reminder that you never know what people are going through.

   Recently, I expressed some of the pain I had to someone (granted, it was someone I didn't know very well), and he said to me, "You need to get over that," like there was some light switch that I just hadn't flipped to get over a pain that has plagued me. He said it more than once, and each time he said it I not only felt stupid for sharing it with him, but I felt almost like I wasn't justified in feeling the way I felt. "When are you going to get over feeling that way?" he asked. My answer should have been, "Please stop talking to me, you douche-pickle." I still did answer correctly, saying, "I have no idea. This isn't something that you can just wish away."

   I feel like it is important to mention that I am incredibly grateful for so many things in my life. There are countless ways that I've been blessed. I have so much. I have incredible people in my life who are irreplaceable, valuable gems. I am hugged often. I am aware that so many people have it so much worse than I do. I had two loving parents, and since my dad passed, I still have one. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. I am blessed. But I hurt. Being grateful and being aware that I'm blessed doesn't make the hurt and anxiety any better. I think that people who have never suffered from depression and anxiety don't understand that- and it is so important for it to be understood. You can't tell someone who is depressed to just count their blessings, like the depression will go away. You can't tell someone who is anxiety ridden to just trust God. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes, we need help. When you experience grief and loss, specifically, there is no set "right" way to deal with what you're going through. There is no projected end date to your grief. And no one should make you feel like NOW is when you need to get over your sadness. We may periodically need a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to. We may need medication. But what we don't need is a blanket statement cure. If you have never experienced it, you can't assume that there is a cure-all. You can't know that we may pray and cry to God and that there may not be an answer. It's a chemical imbalance. I do believe in miracles, but you cannot pray away every illness. You wouldn't tell someone with a debilitating illness to just count their blessings and trust God in order for it to go away. It doesn't work like that. 

   Mental health is so important. If you need help, get help. Be open. Find someone who you trust. Seek counseling. Get put on medication if you have to be. 

Love yourself, love your mind, love your spirit. You will love others best and be your best when you learn how to love yourself.

I am on this journey with you.

Here's a picture of an adorable cat. I found it on Google. 

I searched "adorable cat."

xoxo

Life.

  It has been an incredibly long time since I’ve written anything on here.

So much in my life has changed, and yet, nothing has changed at all.

But what I do have are a series of revelations (which I tend to have from time to time). Some of these things I’ve known consciously, but never really felt- which happens. Sometimes you’re aware and simultaneously unaware; it’s a strange paradox.

Since this may be a long entry, I won’t bore you with an extensive introduction- I’ll just hop right into it.

Failure does not define you.

  This is a very cliche statement, one that I’ve heard countless times. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I’d be blogging from my vacation home on the Amalfi Coast (believe me, I am not). However, this is something that I have come to recently understand for myself; something that I have come to I am learning to accept. If I fall flat on my face, if I end up in a place that I don’t want to be in because of a series of mistakes or bad decisions, that isn’t the essence of me as a person. I am not my failures. I am not my shortcomings. The issue lies in when we allow ourselves to be defined by our failures. It lies in when we look at the ways we have failed and think, “I am a failure.” If we think we are, we will be. We will live like failures. But life is so much more than the areas we’ve failed. How have we loved the people close to us? How have we loved ourselves? How have we embraced life and beauty? How have we fought for injustice? What have we done right? Failure isn’t the end all, be all. Just like I told a friend of mine the other day, “Hey, one step at a time, right? As long as you’re alive, you can still make progress.” And I’m speaking from personal experience, here. I’m writing this as a letter to myself, in a way. If I’m being honest here, and I have no reason to be dishonest, I’ve been suffering with intense bouts of anxiety- which, in many ways, makes me feel even more like a failure (“Paige, girl, you can’t even handle your own emotions?”). I’m too anxious to eat, I’ve stayed up for hours and hours, I feel like I’m going to just throw up and then curl up and die… It’s awful. I know many of us go through depression and anxiety- and it makes us feel worse. But I have to remind myself- this too shall pass. This doesn’t make me a failure. Failing doesn’t make me a failure. Not getting back up, not fighting, succumbing to the feelings of being a failure is what constitutes as really failing, to me. Don’t allow rejection and disappointment to plague you.

Success also doesn’t define you.

  The idea of “success” is so incredibly subjective. What is success for you? What is success for me? It can be money, power, freedom, happiness… But if you believe that your success defines you, you can get caught up in this frivolous idea that you have to obtain this certain level of success to be happy (or “whole”) OR when you do obtain success, you can start to believe that are better than other people- YOU did x so therefore you deserve y. A lot of us do a lot of hard or menial work in the hopes to get to a better place in life. Let’s look at the people working from paycheck to paycheck in third world countries in order to put a small meal on their tables at home- do they work less hard? Are they any less deserving? No. Success (monetary) is beautiful, but sometimes it’s luck. It can be about being born in the right country or being at the right place at the right time. It can be being lucky enough to nail the right job interview etiquette, the right handshake and smile. It can be about having an Aunt who has a friend who knows so and so. This isn’t the situation all the time, but it’s the situation enough of the time that we can’t allow that to get to our heads. That’s how people end up looking down on others. That’s how we end up with this preposterous idea that we truly ARE better. If you’re too high up on your pedestal, you can forget the many people who may be working to keep you there. We’ve all seen it- I see it all the time. Wealthy, “successful” people, fraternizing in their expensive threads, oozing nothing but vanity and...a lot of them are miserable. Don’t be defined by your successes. Be a beautiful, loving, caring, inspirational person. Work hard, but never forget your family or your friends. Never forget to take some time to appreciate people, and time to appreciate the sunset- as cheesy as that sounds. To me, success is happiness- I still don’t think you should be defined by your happiness, either. But happiness is a less porous goal than wealth.

Be here, now.

  THIS is the hardest thing for me. I live in the past and in the future so much, it’s as if the present doesn’t exist. I have written this blog entry so many times in my head, and I always think of ways that I fail in this area (but I’m not a failure!). When you’re at a place in your life that you may feel unhappy or unsatisfied, it’s easy to live in the future. When you’re at a place in your life where you may feel as though fill-in-the-blank from the past contributed to you being unhappy or unsatisfied, it’s easy to live in the past. I live in both. You would think that living in the future and the past so much would force you to live in the present- but it doesn’t.

“I wish I didn’t...”

“I wish I would have...”

“I want to...”

  There is no problem with dreaming and yearning for better things in the future, but there is a real problem when it’s hard for you to enjoy yourself in the moment. You know there is a real problem when, in a good moment, you can only think about tomorrow, next week, next year. It’s especially difficult when you suffer with anxiety and your entire world feels like it’s yesterday and tomorrow.

  I’m trying to embrace today. I’m trying to embrace right now. I just took a second to look at my hands and just remember that I am in the present. It’s almost foolish and definitely weird, but it’s a good reminder. Snap back to the present- even if the present isn’t where you want to be. Breathe it in, learn from it, grow from it, don’t let it break you. Don’t let the present break you. You are stronger than this moment. I am stronger than this moment. If we learn to embrace the moment when we’re going through hardships, we will savor the moments that much more when we’re going through something amazing and beautiful. I can embrace a moment and be here when I’m stressed, crying, upset, let down, etc. Because every moment can be a learning moment. What can I learn here? How can I twist this moment and make it positive? (Of course, this doesn’t work in every situation- situations including abuse and health issues are difficult if not impossible to include in this.) You don’t have to learn to love the moment, or enjoy it. But let’s be aware of it, be in it. Be here now.

When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.

  This is a weird one, because I believe that we are ever changing people. I don’t believe in the whole idea that if you have thought one thing your entire life you lack the ability to change your mind. Different experiences can teach us to grow and change- if we let them. Our minds can evolve...

   Some people, however, do not change. Some people stay the same way their entire lives. There are people who make excuses for the way that they are- “I’m this way because…” and refuse to allow their awareness to change them. These people may be wonderful people in a lot of ways, but you cannot allow yourself to get caught up in an idea that they will change. It is difficult- a lot of us have this savior complex that makes us believe that we can change someone. But I feel as though instead of trying to change someone, we should just be cautious. If someone shows me that they are easily triggered by certain things, I’ll be cautious. Now, being cautious and walking on eggshells is not the same thing. I don’t believe that we should have relationships where we can’t call someone out on something ridiculous. I don’t believe in tumultuous relationships full of constant friction- that is allowing negative energy in your life and creating unnecessary stress. Let those people go. What I mean by being cautious is to be aware. You may know that this person can get their pride hurt easily- so be sensitive to that. However, if this person can get their pride hurt easily and then will mudsling- you have to let that go.  You cannot control out of control individuals. If they show you that they’re irrational and condescending: let that go. Again, I’m speaking to myself, here. You can love someone from a distance. Some people will never change- it’s not your job to make them. Also, don’t change what you’ve learned to be true to fit into someone else's truth.

Find what you believe in- stick with it.

Again, this is a difficult thing for me. I believe that there is so much beauty in the world- sometimes I look at the world and people with rose colored glasses. I want to see the good in everything, and I sometimes hate saying, “No, I don’t believe that,” because I sometimes (emphasis on sometimes) want everyone to like me. But I think it’s important that we all have a center. A foundation of beliefs that won’t be shaken or that sway with the wind. (Of course, if our foundation of beliefs are harmful to other people...we should probably change that.) But stick to what we believe and know to be good and true. If, today, I say that I’m not going to do xyz because it doesn’t sit well with my conscience, then, tomorrow, if xyz comes up I need to not do it. What I’m trying to say is: don’t compromise your beliefs. Don’t do something that feels wrong to you. If it doesn’t sit well with you, trust your instincts.

Don’t let anyone/any situation convince you that you’re not good enough.

  Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle. Believe in yourself. Believe in your talents, gifts, abilities. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you’re not good enough now, work to be good enough later. Be the best version of yourself that you can be- and not for fame or popularity, but for a peace of mind and a sense of serenity. If you’re here, you have a purpose- I believe. Vanity won’t get you anywhere, but faith and determination will.

Find what you love and go for it.

Find what you love and never stop doing it (unless what you love is murdering people. If it is, please stop immediately).

xoxo.