Today, I feel the need to talk about something that I've been dealing with currently and in spurts over the last several years: depression and anxiety.
I don't really know how to talk about it because I barely understand it, but I feel like it is important for me to talk about it (or...get it out). So many of us struggle with depression and anxiety and it is so easy to feel alone. It's also easy to literally feel crazy, because you are kind of fighting with yourself. You're fighting these thoughts, overwhelming feelings, and even physical reactions. On top of everything, you feel like you have zero control; you have NO control over your "emotions" (as it's so easy to try to over-simplify the situation) and you cannot talk yourself out of the way you're feeling. It can be debilitating. But it is real, frustrating life.
a n x i e t y
Anxiety is brand new to me. I have had anxious moments in my life, but actual anxiety is new... and it is terrible. I knew that something was wrong about a month and a half/two months ago when I just could not eat. I wasn't even hungry. If I ate quarter of a salad, I would feel full immediately. Now, I will admit that I am not one who is incredibly in touch with their emotions. As a matter of fact, I think that nine times out of ten, I sort of act like I don't have any feelings- it's a defense mechanism. When I actually do tell people that something hurt me, I usually get blank stares or, more often than not, a response of, "No, it didn't." It is hard for me to be open about how I feel about things, it's hard for me to express my feelings. I'll be open about everything in my life, I just won't say how I feel about it.
I remember, in middle school, my then best friend crying about a fight that we had. I sat there, apologetic and equally, internally hurt and I said to her, "You really hurt me, too." Her mother (who shouldn't have been there) turned to me and said, "You haven't even shed one tear and my daughter is sitting here crying. I don't even know if you care."
I don't express my feelings often because they barely make sense to me. Which is funny, because I'm an aspiring actress and I love investigating how my characters feel. I also think that I'm relatively good at being empathetic- I'll cry with you, I'll be upset with you, I'll hurt with you. But I am working on figuring out how I feel and expressing it to those closest to me. Anyway, so of course when I couldn't eat, I just thought I had some sort of stomach bug. I didn't go to the doctor, though. I think that something deep within me knew that this wasn't a stomach bug. I told my mom, "It's strange, I just haven't been hungry lately," which was true. After about 2 weeks, I went on the scale at the house and noted that I had lost 4 pounds. That was then- the last time I checked more recently, I had lost 9 pounds (and I can't afford to lose weight. Touch the tip of your thumb to the tip of your middle finger. The circle in between there is the circumference of my arm...okay, I'm exaggerating slightly). But I knew that something was wrong before the 9 pound mark. I found myself sitting at work jittery- quickly bouncing my leg up and down. I found myself needing to do breathing exercises, jumping at my own shadow, and having legitimate panic attacks. I was doing actions that mimicked how I felt when I was panicked or fearful. I was on a plane from Atlanta back home and I just sat there and cried for almost the entire ride. The poor girl next to me probably had no idea what to do- she just put in her headphones and played Candycrush the entire time. Now, I may have said this before, but I usually cry about 2-3 times a year. I think I cried 2 times this past weekend (granted, one of the times was crying with a friend who had just lost a family member). One day when I parked at work, I realized that my hands were violently shaking. Another day I felt like I was claustrophobic and I had to go outside. As soon as I went outside, I just started crying and feeling like I couldn't breathe. I knew that this must be anxiety. If an award could be given to someone who gets intense bouts of dread and embarrassment about things they wish they had done differently in the past- I would probably be a top contender (jk, I'd win). Anxiety is a constant state of panic and feeling (obviously) anxious. It feels like, at any moment, the world may come crashing down on you. It feels like someone at any time may be around any corner with a loaded gun. It feels like you're always forgetting to do something. I was so frustrated one day I was on the phone with my friend and I said, "I can't fix this! I want to- but I have no idea how to. This feels so irrational! I just want to snap out of it and tell myself, 'Stop freaking out.'" But it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way.
Right now, I'm in a better place than I was a week ago. I'm not in a marvelous place. I didn't find some magical solution to my anxiety. But I have learned about it. I took the time to process what I'm going through- a course I usually avoid. I went to two classes this past weekend at a Christian conference- one was about grief and loss (which I'll talk about more when I talk about depression) and the other one had a licensed mental health counselor come and speak about the importance of mental and emotional health. We all know how important physical health is. If you seriously hurt your leg- you're not just going to continue to walk on it and just hope it gets better. You need to assess the leg- you may need to go to the doctor. But you need to address the damage- ignoring it won't make it hurt any less. It's the same way with mental and emotional health- we have to address the damage. So, here I am, addressing it head on. Talking about it, blogging about it. Going through the motions- but not letting the motions own me. I might have a breakdown, I might have a panic attack, but that's okay. I can allow myself to be frustrated about it. That's what I'm feeling! I'm allowed to feel! I haven't gone to a counselor about it yet, but I do want to. There is nothing wrong with counseling. We have to break that stigma. We have to fix ourselves from the inside. We have to love ourselves enough to get the help we may need. And sometimes, like in my case, you may have to cut out things in your life that may be contributing to the anxiety. People, work, coffee, alcohol. You have to figure out what helps, what doesn't help, and what hurts. You (and I) may have to make a hard decision to cut something out now that will benefit your mental health in the long run. Your mind and spirit will thank you for it.
d e p r e s s i o n
Depression is my sneaky friend. For me, it comes in waves and in different forms. A few years ago, I remember telling my mom that I don't feel anything. I felt like I forgot how to have any feelings- happy, sad, angry. Nothing stung me, nothing bothered me, nothing made me happy. I was so confused because it wasn't like I was sad, I felt like I lived in a world of grey (thankfully not the weird 'Fifty Shades' kind). It felt like monotonous living. Laughing because I knew that I should laugh in this context. Smiling because I knew it's what I should do with my face, but feeling absolutely nothing. That was a scary place to be, because I didn't know when I would get out of that nothingness. Would I have to fake my emotions forever? What is happening? I don't think I cried at all during this period. Later on, I figured out that I was depressed.
I also had the nap all the time depression. I would come home from work, eat, and go right to bed. Sleep-Work/School-Eat-Nap-Eat-Sleep. I knew I was depressed at this moment. I just didn't want to be awake; being awake was painful. I had also just lost someone very close to me and my family and I was trying to process that without having an overbearing sadness. I didn't want to burden my roommates, I also didn't want to pretend I was happy, so I figured I'd just sleep all the time. I also would go outside and talk on the phone with a counselor about how I was feeling. It was so confusing and overwhelming, though, that I stopped calling and I also stopped taking her calls. I also didn't really cry more than the initial shock of losing someone, and the crying that commenced with the family and at the funeral.
I have had "irrational" crying depression (though there is no such thing as "rational" depression)- making rash decisions (like driving myself for an hour into the middle of nowhere at around midnight and...crying), laying alone on the tennis court...crying, crying in the shower, crying in the closet, hearing a song and crying. It's sort of the staple depression that we know and that we see on television. A constant state of fragile emotions. Crying everywhere. But that was a few years ago. Even though I've been crying a little bit more lately due to anxiety, I haven't topped that year of tears.
Depression, like anxiety, is incredibly painful (or very numbing) and you can't logically solve the jigsaw puzzle that is your depressed mind. The hardest thing for me, was talking about it (surprise!). It's still hard for me. If I'm having a really rough day, I may mention it... if someone brings up their rough day first. But it's unlikely that I will divulge that information- which is sad, because it does hurt to be alone in your depression. Here is where I'll preach to me: Counseling is okay. Counseling is important. It's not that I'm a "woe is me" person; as a matter of fact, if you know me, I doubt that you will have much of an idea that I struggle with depression and anxiety, unless I told you. But this is a good reminder that you never know what people are going through.
Recently, I expressed some of the pain I had to someone (granted, it was someone I didn't know very well), and he said to me, "You need to get over that," like there was some light switch that I just hadn't flipped to get over a pain that has plagued me. He said it more than once, and each time he said it I not only felt stupid for sharing it with him, but I felt almost like I wasn't justified in feeling the way I felt. "When are you going to get over feeling that way?" he asked. My answer should have been, "Please stop talking to me, you douche-pickle." I still did answer correctly, saying, "I have no idea. This isn't something that you can just wish away."
I feel like it is important to mention that I am incredibly grateful for so many things in my life. There are countless ways that I've been blessed. I have so much. I have incredible people in my life who are irreplaceable, valuable gems. I am hugged often. I am aware that so many people have it so much worse than I do. I had two loving parents, and since my dad passed, I still have one. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. I am blessed. But I hurt. Being grateful and being aware that I'm blessed doesn't make the hurt and anxiety any better. I think that people who have never suffered from depression and anxiety don't understand that- and it is so important for it to be understood. You can't tell someone who is depressed to just count their blessings, like the depression will go away. You can't tell someone who is anxiety ridden to just trust God. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes, we need help. When you experience grief and loss, specifically, there is no set "right" way to deal with what you're going through. There is no projected end date to your grief. And no one should make you feel like NOW is when you need to get over your sadness. We may periodically need a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to. We may need medication. But what we don't need is a blanket statement cure. If you have never experienced it, you can't assume that there is a cure-all. You can't know that we may pray and cry to God and that there may not be an answer. It's a chemical imbalance. I do believe in miracles, but you cannot pray away every illness. You wouldn't tell someone with a debilitating illness to just count their blessings and trust God in order for it to go away. It doesn't work like that.
Mental health is so important. If you need help, get help. Be open. Find someone who you trust. Seek counseling. Get put on medication if you have to be.
Love yourself, love your mind, love your spirit. You will love others best and be your best when you learn how to love yourself.
I am on this journey with you.
Here's a picture of an adorable cat. I found it on Google.
I searched "adorable cat."
xoxo
