#Kewl.

I keep trying to figure out what I want to write here and I have no idea how to start it (or how to even get to my point), so here it goes.

Learning to figure out who I really am has been an incredibly interesting journey. I don't think I know completely who I am yet, but I know who I am not.
I can admit that most of my life, I have had this looming desire to really want to be...attractive. Be it physically or intellectually- but in my quest to be attractive, I had sort of painted over my true self.
I think I just figured that I can be attractive if I wore a lot of makeup and tried to adhere to the trends (even personality-wise) of people that I thought were attractive. 
But, that's not who I am. I'm not this pretty, high-horse sitting, damsel in distress who wants to be a princess.
I want to be Batman (I'm serious).

I'm serious, you guys. 

Someone needs to help me achieve this goal.

I like wearing high heels and cute clothes. I like rom-coms, puppies and kittens and all that jazz.

But I really like reading.
I really like comic books.

I have watched every single episode of X-Men: Evolution...and Justice League Unlimited. I'm halfway through Batman Beyond. I love Doctor Who and Breaking Bad and Dexter (before it got weird). I own a Dark Knight Rises cup, a Spiderman shirt, a Bane shirt and Justice League boxers.

I was at a Disney resort this past summer and instead of going to one of the parks or going to Downtown Disney, I spent SIX HOURS in the hotel room watching Adventure Time.

#OnlyGodcanjudgeme.

My point is, I'm sort of a nerd. 

I'm a nerd who tries to wear the façade of a cool kid.

I would say that I don't see a problem with that, with me liking nerdy things and with me simultaneously trying to be cool. 

But there was a problem with me.

I think I started to believe that I am this cool, socialite, pretty-girl. I started to hide my nerdiness around certain people (aka: all throughout high school) and while I never berated people who were like me (except my brother, but he deserved it), I never really sided with them either.

And underneath the layers of makeup and clothes, I still have a lot of insecurity.

I tried to combat this insecurity last week by basically thrusting "security" on myself. I didn't wear any eyeliner, eyeshadow and powder to combat the insecure feeling I sometimes get when I don't wear makeup.

It's strange because on one hand I do think I'm beautiful. I'm grateful for how I was made and if I were really given the opportunity to change how I looked, I don't think that I would actually do it. I'm afraid of embracing who I am sometimes, for fear of seeming narcissistic. But I don't think I'm "more beautiful than ______." I think I just appreciate the fact that I am who I am.

With that being said, I was still feeling really unpretty without makeup on. I started to feel like my makeup was a security mask (a "cool" mask) and that without it I am this plane Jane (which, I am) that is borderline unattractive. I felt like I needed makeup to feel good about myself. Without it, I can't feel pretty; I won't be "cool" enough. (When you say "cool" a bunch of times, it really starts to seem like the strangest word)

Okay, where am I going with this?

Basically, when I stopped wearing the makeup last week, as insecure as I can be, I started to slowly re-embrace myself. It was almost as though I freed myself from hiding beneath a mask. I think I have to just remember the most simple thing: I am me.

If I try to be someone who everyone likes, I'm going to lose myself. I don't want to lose who I am. I want to be the best version of myself, but not in a superficial way.

I am a borderline super nerd.

I like stilettos.

I like tattoos

I like Bollywood movies.

I like cocktails and hood music.

I love God, but I'm also kind of liberal.

But I can't go out on the town without overthinking a million things.
I can't have a conversation with a guy and say a bunch of cheesy things and not completely hate myself afterwards.

I don't like repetitive conversation. 

I don't like pre-gaming, or beer-pong. 

I ask a lot of questions, and I can sometimes be invasive.

Now, not wearing makeup didn't make me a new person or make me all of a sudden super secure.
I'm still kind of insecure. I wore eyeliner today after going over a week without any (because I felt plain!).
Makeup isn't magic, but it was a security blanket for me.

Sometimes we have to get rid of our false security blankets to really figure out where our security lies.

I'm fine with myself (most days) and I want to continue to like being with me...because I'm stuck with me for the rest of my life.

Jess from 'New Girl' is my spirit animal.

xoxo.

Edit: I added a shameless selfie from last week of me without makeup. (I put this picture because I really didn't want to put this picture)

#selfie #nofilter #nomakeup