What life [recently] has taught me (this is not even slightly comprehensive).

(Here is the slightly more substantial post)

So, as of late, I've had two things that have really, really made me reevaluate things about myself-- I'm always reevaluating (and I'm always talking in parenthetical).

Thing #1: MY HAIR IS NOT DOING WHAT I WANT IT TO DO (this sounds insubstantial, but let me explain):
To a lot of women, our hair is our "crowning glory." Last year (and several years prior) my hair, for the most part, did what I want. Anddd...I killed it: straightening, highlighting, ombré-ing, braiding, chemically straightening... You get the point.
Now, while my hair had been quite faithful to me, recently it has not. I hate it. It sheds for no reason, it has little body and (since I cut it) I feel like it's just not growing.
This produced in me a plethora of insecure feelings. Before I get to that, I will address thing  #2.

Thing #2: A HORRIBLE ALLERGIC REACTION TO LIVING.

I don't know what I am allergic to, all I know is that almost everyday (excluding today, woo-hoo!) (UPDATE: After I wrote this, I broke out in an allergic reaction on the same day), for the past two weeks, I've woken up with an allergic reaction on my face, ears, neck, back, stomach, legs...etc. I mean, it is kind of ridiculous. I don't know what I'm allergic to, and it's not even exclusive to my apartment or to anything I eat (that I know of). I went home to visit my mom and ate NOTHING that I usually eat and I still woke up with an allergic reaction.  It was more like a series of large bumps and swollen areas versus rashes.

Picture:

more than

(UPDATE: When I wrote this post- yesterday- I had only had the swelling. Lo and behold, last night I had a rash on my face and knees...yes. My KNEES. This rash continued to spread. Sigh.)

So, imagine me (feeling) bald and swollen. 

I don't look how I want to and, as petty as this may seem, it started to really affect me. I always try to convey this air of confidence, but I started to feel very insecure. 

One day I would wake up with a swollen eye, several swollen spots on my neck, a swollen ear and a swollen forehead (yes, my forehead became swollen), and those are only the visible parts. My hair sheds an actual clump in the morning and I still try to be pretty (as inconsequential as that sounds) to go to work and school.

I felt miserable. I hated how I looked, but even more than that, I hated how I felt. 

I didn't like the fact that so much of my security was riding on  my appearance (what am I going to do when I get old, wrinkly and grey if I feel this way now?).
So, I started to reevaluate my...values.

How much value do I put on something as trivial as my appearance?
How important is how I look to me? How important is how other people look to me?

I started to feel very stupid about how I was reacting to this situation.

Then, I actually started to laugh at myself.

Another day I woke up with a swollen ear, a swollen eyelid and a swollen forehead and I cracked up.

I looked crazy. I looked hilarious. But that was okay.
People at school and at work may have thought, "Oh my goodness, this girl is a freak of nature." And...I am a freak of nature. We all are. We are all unique (freaks), people! And if all I have to complain about is swelling on my epidermis, then I actually have it quite good.
There are so many people who have much more painful and debilitating issues, and all I have to complain about is a few swollen areas on my face (that occasionally make me look like Quasimodo).  

**(Now, I will add that I definitely need to see a doctor. While these bumps look funny, and I get that, they sort of feel like my skin is on fire. That's not fun.)

But what I want to emphasize is that physical "deformities" don't actually make someone less of a beautiful person. Beauty is an aquifer; just the surface (the well) doesn't describe how much there is to a person. A lot of a persons beauty comes from what is below the surface, beneath what is seen.

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting," after all.

Celebrate beauty within!

(This is great news. My stupid hair and my bumpy skin do not define me! And whatever you don't physically like about yourself does not define you either.)

xoxo.