So, in general, I try not to write about people.
Not because I'm afraid they'll read it and freak out that I wrote about them, but because I'm afraid they won't like my impression of them.
But- I feel the need to write about this particular guy, because I see him too often and he has taught me some things.
I won't state his real name, for confidentiality reasons, of course. We'll call him 'J.D'.
So, approximately a month or so ago, this Paul Bunyan-esque man came into the office needing help finishing up his application for school (I work in an Admissions Office). It was probably around 4:30pm and I was working until the office closed (at 6pm).
At first, his presence seemed routine. Same questions everyone asks, "Will I need to prove residency?" "Are my college transcripts in?" etc.
On his way out of the office, he turned and said to me, "What do you think I should do with my life?"
THAT is not a question I get often, because...well, no one usually cares to know my opinion.
So, I didn't really know how to answer him. I just looked at him and said "Do whatever makes you happy."
He replied, "I've been doing that all my life and I'm still unhappy."
"You've been doing what makes you happy your whole life? Or have you been doing what you think should make you happy?" I asked.
He pondered.
"I don't know. I just want to help people."
I proceeded to give him some information about our various Health Sciences programs. I figured that would suffice.
He didn't want that though. He wanted to help people survive. Not necessarily ill people, but the underprivileged.
He asked me what my long term goals are. I explained to him that if I decide to stick with journalism (because, who the heck knows what I'll actually do long term?), I want to focus on women in third world countries who have limited access to education and to learning a trade. I want to be put in the middle of a war zone and expose the realities of a situation. (That would be the only journalism I'd really want to do. I wouldn't mind entertainment journalism, but I am very afraid of getting sucked into that über materialistic world, even though I am not the least materialistic person.)
He seemed to think that was the most incredible thing in the world. I felt like I just told him that I was trying to find the cure for cancer or that in my lifetime I could stop world hunger.
Long story short, because I said this, he came back a few days later and brought me three books (I am Nujood, Age 10 and divorced, Arguably, and Infidel). I am Nujood, Age 10 and divorced and Infidel are two books about women who have gone through the unimaginable (to a first-worlder; or even to a third-worlder--- since I did live in Jamaica--- who didn't live in a country with such oppression).
He didn't have to get me these books; nor did I ask for them. But, I am very grateful for them.
Since giving me these books, he has come in often. At first, it was about twice a week; but after about 3 weeks, he started coming in every day.
This didn't bother me at all, because he is one of the very few people in this world who unabashedly has conversations with people that he doesn't know too well--- about some very personal things.
He was abused by his father, sexually mistreated by his mother, he left his house at 15, joined the military at 18, and pretty much has been on his own--- but is an aimless wanderer.
Not to make him seem like a lame person, because he is not. When someone goes through as much as he has gone through, it's difficult to always find a path to walk on.
He has a lot of self-pity, which my coworker and I have tried to talk him out of. He feels worthless and undeserving of everything. He is not deserving of spending time with people, in his own mind.
My coworker and I invited him to casually hang out and he declined because he's unworthy. He has even said that he doesn't deserve to be alive.
I told him bluntly that his self-pity will be detrimental to him. If he continues to pity himself, he will not accomplish anything.
I had a revelation when I was talking to him about his self pity.
Self depreciation is so terribly destructive. I mean, of course we all know this...but it's really hard to see.
He was offered a job in Oregon and Hawaii during the time he would come visit us. But he didn't take the jobs, because according to him, "What's the point?"
"What's the point of taking the job if I don't deserve it? What's the point if I can't help people? I don't want to do it for the money."
It's always commendable when people want to do good and money has nothing to do with their desire.
BUT--- how can you help people when you're trapped in your own mind?
You can't.
I've told him that there is no helping other people when you cannot help yourself.
Depression, self-pity--- those things exist. Those things aren't things you can always easily shake.
But our desires to help people and to make the world a better place will not come to fruition if we can only see the dark cloud that is our own life.
I'm not a stranger to depression. I know that it is a big dark monster than can control my life at ANY given time. It's something that I've fought half of my life, and I still have to go a couple of rounds in the ring with it from time to time.
But I know that depression can be the end of me. I know that if I allow what hurts I have to control my life, it will do just that- control it.
'J.D' is not in control of his life, his self pity controls him.
I was very honest with him when I told him that I thought that he was a recluse- he was very honest with me when he told me that for the past few years he has done little more than sit at home and do nothing.
He has an extensive movie/TV show collection (thousands of movies, he says).
"Have you seen 'To Rome With Love'?"
"Yup. I own it. Have you seen it?
"I haven't."
Brings me the movie the next day.
"Do you have 'Sinister'?"
Brings Cristal (my coworker) a copy the next day.
"Have you seen 'Life of Pi'?"
"I own it."
Brings me a copy the next day.
"Do you watch 'Dexter'?"
"It's a crazy show. I haven't kept up all the way, though."
"I've pretty much kept up. But I only own up to season 5."
"I own up to season 6."
Brings Season 6.
Now, I have never (nor would I ever) asked him for anything. He is just that giving (I had to talk him out of buying me a $120 necklace for no reason).
I've tried talking him out of letting me keep the books he brought me. I've also told him not to bring me the movies because I don't want to take them--- nor do I want him to think that I talk to him because he gives me things. But he is just very generous.
This man has a lot of potential. A LOT.
Not only because he is giving, but he's very smart. He studied Engineering at the University of Florida. He has a vast knowledge of the most random things. He reads several educational books a week.
And he has a love for helping and giving to people that is very evident.
But because he prevents people from getting through to him, he will in turn prevent himself from reaching his full potential.
Because of all that he knows about various issues around the world, I can imagine the good he could do.
I can imagine the good we could all do if we step outside of ourselves. But when you're in an almost self-destructive place, you really cannot imagine that of yourself.
I no longer have any idea where I'm trying to go with this entry.
But the moral of this long, drawn out entry is--- If you're in a dark place, you HAVE to figure out how to get out of there.
You will never, ever, ever reach your potential if you remain stuck in a room crowded with your own thoughts and painted with images of your own failures.
'J.D' has just started classes. He is finally doing something. Finally allowing himself to get out of his shell. He even invited me to go watch a movie with him (which is huge, since he wouldn't even accept my/my coworker's initial invitation to hang out).
Therapy, talking to someone who inspires you, art, poetry, dance, laughing at yourself....whatever it may take to get you out of that dark place is never too much.
If you want to do something, do not tell yourself that you are unworthy.
We are what and who we think we are. We project our feelings of ourselves to others. We project our feelings of ourselves to the world.
If we think we are unworthy, we will act unworthy.
Sometimes it's a simple decision to change our own minds. Sometimes it takes days, weeks, months, years to get out of our own heads (and I say this from complete personal experience--- it took me years to get out of my head).
But even one step forward is a step in the right direction.
('J.D' has now expressed that he has feelings for me. And...there is no reciprocity. Nor will there ever be [sometimes you just know]. Things are a little bit weird, but he still comes to visit---he was in the office today, actually. It does make me feel better to know that I kind of helped to drag him out of his funk. I'm definitely glad that he came to the office. He's not only taught me a lot about what I just wrote about, but he has also taught me about women's issues/civil rights issues around the world and even in this country. Anyone who teaches me a sliver of anything is always alright in my book.)
xoxo.
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